


i try and i try

by milfbyers



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Mental Health Issues, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:07:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,170
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26636341
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milfbyers/pseuds/milfbyers
Summary: joyce has a flashback to the events of season one, mostly those that revolve around the telephone.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 6





	i try and i try

it was an easy dinner to get through. joyce had been invited to dine with the parents of will’s new friends. the father had a big, booming voice and an even louder laugh while the mother sat with her ankles crossed and a polite smile always sitting on her lips. joyce didn’t see herself being invited back or inviting them over to her house (for more reasons than one) but she was excited will was able to make friends so quickly after the move and she wasn’t going to be the one to jeopardize his success. so, she sat with her legs crossed in a dress at the other end of the table, cradling a glass of wine in her right hand and fidgeting with the loose hem with the left. 

in the kitchen, the phone rang. it was loud and disturbed the stories of boy scouts and church camp joyce had been half listening to. she took in a sharp breath. it was fine, will was fine. he was upstairs with his friend, the two had been excused from dinner half an hour ago. but before she could stop it, joyce recognized the tight pull in her chest. 

her left hand had moved from fidgeting with her dress to pulling at the skin on the inside of her right wrist then traveled to her bottom lip. her wine glass now sat abandoned on the edge of the place mat next to her half full plate. she knew that the rest of her food would be scraped into the trash with a disapproving look from the mother that sat across from her.

‘excuse me, i just need to use the restroom’ joyce managed out, her throat constricted around every word that she let out. when she was met with understanding smiles and nods, she knew she had perfected the skillful act of swallowing the screams in her throat and pushing away the tears that threatened to spill. joyce stumbled down the hallway, every step accompanied by another shuddering breath, another pull at the skin on her lip, another flush of embarrassment staining her cheeks and neck in a deep red. 

when she found the bathroom, she clicked the lock into place on the door and let her knuckles turn white as she gripped the edges of the sink. joyce’s breathing was uneven, she watched her chest rise and fall in failed attempts to calm herself down. the fabric of her dress clung to her uncomfortably and she itched to pull it off. joyce met her own eyes in the mirror but she knew it wasn’t herself looking back at her. 

the look in her eyes was not one that was there welcomingly. it was miserable, shameful, and tired. joyce was tired. she was drained, exhausted from one too many of these ‘episodes’ happening in her own bathroom in the morning as she got ready for work. she turned her head away from her reflection, unable to face the monster that resembled her a bit too much for her own liking (this mirror wasn’t one she could afford to destroy in the desperate attempt to rid herself of the embarrassment that came with looking at herself ).

joyce closed her eyes but finding comfort in the act was a failed attempt because when she did, she found herself in a mess of christmas lights and black paint drying on the wall. her throat felt sore again as if she had just finished pleading with will or fighting with lonnie or screaming when the phone gave out yet again instead of it happening almost four years ago. 

the anniversary date was right around the corner, joyce could see the week crossed out in red ink on the calendar that hung in the kitchen. her hands started to shake like they did every morning that week when she woke up to an empty house and a mess in her living room that spilled into the kitchen and down the hall into her own room. 

joyce took in another shuddering breath that made her chest ache. she felt goosebumps rise across her arms as if the hole she cut through the wall to get to will was now cut through the one in the bathroom she was standing in. she felt the cold november indiana wind bit at the exposed skin of her arms and legs. she was whispering desperate, aching pleas of will’s name. she was begging him to come home to her. she was still making promises she couldn’t keep. as if it would be different, that maybe joyce could keep them if she said them just one more time. 

the phone kept ringing. it never seemed to stop ringing. the cruel sound had been following her around for years. it was haunting her. joyce used to jump excitedly at the first ring of the telephone. she remembered being so excited in high school when lonnie would call her late at night, it was their little secret. or when karen would call to talk about jonathan and will after each of them were born. joyce remembered the excitement that grew in her stomach when she reached for the phone. 

but, now, the sound wasn't as appreciated anymore. now, she couldn’t figure out if it was actually making noise anymore. it could be sitting silent in the kitchen of the unfamiliar family that was settled in the unfamiliar town that knew nothing of the familiar panic attacks that left joyce paralyzed with fear. it could still be ringing, the sound growing louder as it went unanswered. recently, she was unable to even make a phone call herself. the dead tone that accompanied an unanswered call or the unwelcomed ring that was too close to the one from her phone in hawkins left her unable to plug the phone back in for weeks. it sat still and untouched and joyce left herself unable to be reached by anyone. 

footsteps creaked on the floorboards just outside the bathroom door. joyce was pulled back into her current state, the one where she was dressed too fancy for her liking and where her palms were now decorated in harsh, red half moon imprints from her nails digging in to stop the shaking. she pried her hands away from her sides and moved them away from the temptation of the edge of the sink.

joyce turned the faucet on and stuck her hands under the hot water, eager for a grounding distraction before she plastered a smile on her face and nodded at the offer of another glass of wine with a name too expensive for her to allow herself to enjoy. joyce glanced up at herself in the mirror and when she was met with big pools of cloudy distraction instead of obvious distress, she knew she was ready to sit at the dinner table again. 

because the phone had been unplugged. the ringing was replaced with silence for now. but joyce couldn’t decide which she preferred anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading <3 milfbyers on twitter


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